Guru Loves Dogs ...err.. Dogs Love Guru

Spiritual enlightenment does not happen to animals or plants because they are never bound. At least they would not know even in case if they were bound. Its primarily man's vocation to first think of being bound then fight for liberation from it. But the ignorance of us mankind can be breath taking sometimes especially when it comes to detecting other's enlightenment. BG occasionally thinks, if there is any enlightenment possible, that would be splitting out of this quagmire of ideas and rib tickling notions about enlightenment itself.

People who are obsessed about other's enlightenment can resort to insane ideas every time they get a chance. So was the guy who BG was traveling with. He was a senior executive in a multi national company. He got pretty close to BG during the management training programs held for his company staff by BG on various occasions. The big middle aged guy appeared totally indifferent always about his own spiritual aspirations but was showing great inclination about how much others were evolved, or to be precise, enlightened.

BG treated the executive like some global citizen since he was devoid of any prejudice or bias about religions or race and that was something BG was deeply impressed with. So he readily agreed when he was invited for dinner at the executive's house by his family. A progressive family is top of the choice for BG to introduce and discuss spiritual matters across the dinner table.

The executive broke the news suddenly to BG "I have two dogs at home" as he negotiated the city traffic. BG just nodded the head as a matter of fact and looked at the road ahead of him. But the executive proceeded further, "my son has challenged me, if the person I am bringing home is truly enlightened, then our scooby and dooby (the dogs) will recognize him soon as he enters our home".

BG now heard the alarm ringing in a unknown region inside his head and felt for a moment like a subjugated captive. The host continued, "as a matter of fact, even Im curious to see how my scooby and dooby will behave in front of you. They say, dogs are highly evolved and they certainly will recognize you".

Playing spiritual guru can be a curse if you did not know how to laugh in the times of crisis. BG managed to do that exactly and asked "you mean we are going home to make sure that your dogs will smell and tell if I' am enlightened?" His face got brightened with street light through the car window, "precisely, but they don't stop with smelling because usually they are ferocious, one is a german shepherd and another is a pomeranian variety". He then added, "of course we will be having dinner too" and laughed.

BG figured that the executive was having fun and realized it was too late to pull out of the wacky game. Convincing himself, BG sat back hoping to remain calm and not get ticked off and spoil the dinner party like in the numerous occasions earlier on. Meanwhile host's phone rang inside his shirt pocket, he picked and said "yes we will be there in a couple of minutes, keep scooby and dooby locked up in the bedroom".

There is a whole bunch of people out there, who dont care about their own spirituality but is busy checking other's evolution. No wonder gurus also keen to display their superhuman abilities to such people. Stopping the heart from throbbing, suspending brain cells, dropping the pulse rate, buried alive under earth, under water living, sitting on the fire pit, refusing to decay even after death are some of the popular ideas people have about an enlightened being which also is promoted by some 'enlightened' beings as they launch themselves in the big league of gurudom.

As he turned the car into his high security satellite township, he queried "I have read in some book somewhere that birds and animals display a great sense of love towards enlightened beings, is it true?" BG noticed the well organized row of houses with trees and the clean environment inside the gated community, quite contrast to life just outside the walls, then turned to the executive and said "a dog should bark at a stranger and that is its innate nature and bird should fly away at the sight of a stranger, then it is all normal and natural".

If a dog displayed fear or love to someone, then he need not be enlightened but could be just a dog trainer or the dog owner. In other words, a dog trainer can make a dog behave like a mouse and it does not need any spiritual enlightenment on his part. Similarly if a man is spiritually enlightened then he need not have to wrap the whole animal kingdom in his little finger and swing from trees like Tarzan. However the executive looked surprised with the reply and was seen keen to execute his cruel test of enlightenment. He probably thought BG was getting defensive about the whole exercise.

Infact BG was partly disgusted with the whole idea already, but still decided to go through the exercise only hoping to bring some common sense in to the lives of people, he was going to visit in that house. Partly BG liked the wackiness of the situation and that some what thrilled him too. So it was all in good humor, he went ahead with the experiment. As the executive parked the car, BG told him, " its time for some action" and climbed out of the car.

Even as the car was parked the barking of the dogs were heard loud. One was a thick, deep tone and the other had a sharp, shrilled tone. BG almost pleaded "keep the dogs free and dont lock them up now and let them out later, so that they feel normal about me. The host said "actually I would like us all settle down first and then let the dogs come out from the bedroom, so that we can see their reaction well. I told my son to be ready with his handy cam too".

This was a sadistic freak who had decided to test the enlightenment of his dogs and yours reverentially BG's and possibly film it too. Everyone settled after the brief introductions and with the welcome drink served by the lady of the house who looked totally unaware of the happenings. The dogs were banging against the door inside the bedroom and were raging mad with their loud noises.

BG already noticed the handycam on the table nearby and saw the son with a kind of a wicked curiosity meddling with it. Then BG enquired "why don't you let the dog's out before they go totally crazy"? The son butted in "we want to film our scooby and dooby when they come to you and that we would do it just after the dinner". BG suddenly sounded very strong "you guys are weird, i cant hear them barking this way, let them be out now". BG looked at the son and then pointed at the camera "you are not going to touch that camera".

That baffled the son for a moment. BG raised his tone still higher and sharper now,"LET THE DOGS BE OUT NOW" and quickly lowered voice again, "be done with your crazy experimentation at the earliest ". The hostess looked worried and said "scooby and dooby are kept locked usually whenever we have guests". It was obvious that the lady of the house was not informed of the 'sniff and tell' test by the men in her house.

The head of the family was sitting like a potato in his couch and was was observing the whole thing with a dead expression on his face and said, "We are sorry if we have offended you in anyway". BG said " Will you please let the dogs out, they cannot remain in that stuffy bedroom for so long". Somehow the situation took a unprecedented turnaround and now BG was keen that the dogs should come out and the host wanted the other way around.

BG now looked at the son and exclaimed " I only said don't use any camera but i never said do not let the dogs out". This statement managed to provoke him up he went straight to the bedroom located at the mezzanine floor and opened the door. The dogs rushed out like they knew their prey already. One was too big and brown in shade with black patches on its back and another very tiny with fluffy white hair and a bushy tail.

Whenever caged animals released, they behave more violent than other normal times. Though BG was not a great dog lover or even liked their smell, he was quite aware of the animal psychology, especially the dogs. As both the dogs rushed through the stairway from the mezzanine floor to the ground level, BG sat in his couch unmoved with with his bated breath and partly closed eyes. The host was still in his seat, the hostess stood near the kitchen counter and the son was watching from the bedroom entrance, not knowing what they were supposed to do.

The dogs love to chase only if something is ready to run ahead of them. They get confused most times when the target of their aggression is unmoved. Scooby and Dooby were perhaps more confused because BG was sitting inside the home along with other familiar people. The big one lifted both its legs and placed on the shoulders of BG and barked heavily on to his face, while the tiny fluffy one grabbed the ankle of BG.

They displayed intense aggression as the daddy of the house got up from his seat and came closer to rescue. BG saw him though the big dog's legs and stopped him, "remain where you are, I will handle this". As if it was a 'miracle', the big fellow began to lick BG's face vigorously and smelt him all over and no sooner they both stopped their antics, as if they lost interest in BG, as he neither showed any fear nor displayed counter aggression, the little doggy ran towards the son who was still at the bedroom entrance. The big doggy left the grip over BG and chased the little one in a clumsy manner.

Now it was a perfect anti climax. BG turned to the lady and said "how about the dinner now?" She moved quickly to the table and said in a apologetic tone "yes of course, its ready". Meanwhile the dogs came running down again at BG and this time BG confidently started talking to them "hey scooby, hey dooby, c'mon doggies, let have dinner, etc". He put the hand on the back of the big dog and stroked gently and in response they both licked him all over again and the dog show was over by then.

At the dinner table none spoke a word except the brief yes' and no's. The daddy of the house broke the silence, "did we do anything wrong?" and waited for BG to reply. BG said "yes, to raise a shepherd dog at a home like this is terribly disgusting. They are meant to be running in the open fields and not inside your bedroom". They kept a stiff and cold face as everyone ate silently. They knew BG was not happy and the inconsequential evening left them wondering if BG was planning some revenge of sorts.

The dinner was about to get over and the son pointed out to his daddy, the big dog(Scooby?) was sleeping lazily with drooling mouth and long and heavy breathing right beneath the seat where BG sat, while the small one(Dooby?) was busy running and licking every one's feet. After a brief good bye and with the final stroking of the dogs, BG and the daddy stepped out of the home and to the car. BG knew that was his last visit to the house.

Inside the car the executive said in a justifying tone "we were only trying to see if our dogs can recognize and show love to a person of enlightenment". BG quipped back in a very hushed tone, "neither dogs have to love a enlightened man nor an enlightened man have to love the dogs". Silence fell again inside the car till it arrived at BG's premises. "It was a wonderful evening to remember for many years to come", BG said with a plain smile at the executive and stepped out of the car as the executive responded "thank you for coming and gracing our home" without any life in his voice.


[Personal note from BG - Dear executive, if you happened to read this, let me assure you that I'm not angry and carry no revenge on you. It was fun but I still want to repeat that the big shepherd dog must be sent back to where it came from and stop torturing it they way you did the other day. It may not belong to you or your bedroom. Besides, you should know that you spoiled a good opportunity to discuss spirituality.]



Do you want to show the world that you are potentially a universal guru ?
Tips # 12
Take as many pictures possible with you posing along with cows, dogs and birds and post it on your home page of the website. Let the world know how much the animals love you for your enlightened state of living

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words

BG's desktop is adorned presently with two weird images which BG liked instantaneously when he saw them.

They are as follows..
















1. Crash Boom Bang
this one reminds BG a lot about how a disciple crashes on the way, looking for magic and miracle and secret keys to success and happiness from a guru who is bent upon promising joy round the clock, in this world. But if the guy inside the crashed car still believed that he is drowned not in the gutter, but in the 'ocean of bliss' due to all pervading grace of his guru, then BG thinks that only Mr. Lordo can throw a fishnet from the heavens to rescue him from that slushpit.

2. Hanging For Life
This is an instant reminder to BG, of a much hyped guru who is trapped at such great heights. BG reserves all his sympathy (besides reverence, respect et al) to such gurus who dangle by the whisker atop fame and glory. One wrong move, its going to be abysmal. It can hurt pretty bad falling from that height, especially when climbed up there without even a glimpse of Truth or a clue of what it is like to be up there. Saving this guru also is a job only Mr Lordo can handle.

Guru Gets Lovers Glued

If you had seen people of all kinds swarm around a guru like flies on a forgotten fruit, do not mistake it for a moment that they all were yearning for knowledge from the guru. They are there for all kinds of reasons. Many times a guru is expected to remain as a mute blessing factor. A dumb witness to cultivating acquaintances, building relationships, developing useful contacts, striking business deals, falling in love, finding a 'soulmate', gathering good karmas, pleasing god, and plenty more around him.


People who feel lonely, depressed, looking for some special meaning to their lives, people who need an emotional back up, find security in a community living, restore the failing health, or for the sake of children or wife or husband, perhaps to be part of a 'in' thing, to travel with groups to religious places more comfortably are a few always found in such groups.


Indeed there is a considerable number of them, who expect some miracle can be exercised on them by the guru, to meet their own fanciful dreams. They try their own ways to become the target of guru's special blessings. BG got quite used to them all to some extent, till one day he met up with a boy who had enrolled himself for a three day long retreat. What he was about to do was something that left BG totally amused, shrilled, and tickled, all at once. BG had known his parents and the boy had come because his folks thought he was little depressed about something unknown to them. In other words, they had pushed him in to the retreat.


He was sitting in front of BG like a child, who always cried for chocolate in the dead of night. BG asked him "whats your problem precisely, why do you look like this"? He was surprisingly forthcoming with his problem, he explained "a girl I deeply loved left me for someone else". He was 19 years old and his high bone cheeks and jaws looked very hard and his mouth was munching on something constantly. It was obvious that he was angry and in a depressive mood.


BG however liked the boy for his plain talking and quickly remembered a girl of a similar kind in the group that enrolled for the same retreat. Most teen aged boys and girls seen in such spiritual groups are usually well educated, excelled in academics, cultured, talented and of course nurturing their own dreams and passions. Many of them are bitten by the usual love bug.


Surprisingly the boy never came out to the session, but was found sleeping in the room at the retreat site on the inaugural day. He was not responding to anyone and for any queries. BG summoned him hoping to make some sense out of his condition. It was obvious that he found the camp meaningless in front of his own sorrowful self. He appeared more keen on enjoying his sorrows in solitude than to sit with a bunch of people in meditation.


When he entered BG's room, he looked tired and eyes were red, and appeared totally out of place. Such forced participant in any spiritual retreat can be a big spoilsport easily. They are contagious and trigger similar attitude in the rest of participants too. BG decided to give him one last try and offered him to have lunch along with him. In the back drop, outside the glassed window, there were many participants seen moving about from here and there. One of them was the girl in her teens, who had come to attend the retreat sent by her mom.



BG was quick to think of a plan and asked for the girl to come to the room, where he was sitting with the boy for the lunch. The girl has a history of depression too and the reasons were not known yet to BG. As the girl entered the room, BG said "look who is with me" and pointed at the boy. They just glanced each other and smiled faintly. BG told her after the brief introductions, to take him and explain about topics which he missed till lunch time. Psychologically speaking, most of the times, disturbed boys like to be counseled by girls and vice verse.


That move worked somewhat successfully, as the boy was seen in the post lunch session sitting closely to her, along with the other participants. He even looked extra cheerful for a drowsy afternoon, with a smile on his face, making direct eye contact to BG unlike before. BG observed the girl too and she looked quite content with her present responsibility of tutoring the boy. Needless to say the love was in the air and sudden harmony everywhere as the boy joined the rest of them.


As the first day ended, everyone noticed the sudden intimacy developed between the boy and the girl and there were mixed reactions. The head of organizers voiced his concern about the development. BG consoled him saying "nothing to worry, you will focus on your work". The sparks flew all over the place as they both spent the whole of the second day and night of the retreat, together under various trees dotted the campsite, totally oblivious and indifferent to everything and everyone.


The chief organizer broke the news to BG on the concluding day of the retreat, "they both are missing since early morning". BG said "its OK, we will give them sometime". Even as lunch happened, their absence was conspicuous. Most participants were lost in their own pursuit of meditation and spirituality and were not keen about the missing teens, while the few others updated BG regularly on the latest. BG did not really expect love twist in the boy's tale, which now involved a girl from the same retreat. They were introduced to each other only for some healthy socializing.


As the retreat concluded, everyone stuffing into their cars, and as cheerful cries of adieus everywhere, as participants kept dropping in at BG's room for the personal farewell, BG waited for the right moment and then called the girl's home on the phone, "your daughter reached home yet"? . The jubilant mom said " Not yet, but she called in the morning to say that the meditation retreat was excellent and she was enjoying it every moment, she also said she would be back home in the evening a little late after some group meditation". BG replied, "OK please inform me once she reached home".


BG called the boy's father, whom he knew personally, and asked without sounding suspicious, "how is everything"? The father said "my son called in the morning and informed us that he was learning a lot in the camp, he was so cheerful, thanks to you, he could become happy again, I was so sure that meditation taught by you will help him come out of his depressions". BG paused for a moment and muttered "yes I think so".


BG had collected the hand phone number of the boy from his father, and messaged him, "so where were you guys all day long?" The reply came promptly, "we went for a movie and now in a restaurant, -with your blessings". The chief organizer then entered the room and announced "I checked with the boy and girl, he was unwell so he had to leave and the girl went to drop him at his residence, now they reached his home already, so everything is alright". He appeared very satisfied with the way the retreat went off without a hitch. BG congratulated him, "very well done".

BG was the last to leave the site and as he locked up the door and stepped out and looked around the empty retreat site after three day's of hectic activity, as he walked towards his car, the phone blinked and there was a text message. It read "thanks for the gift, I love him so much, always seeking your blessings". It was presumably from the girl. BG drove past the heavy metal gates of the retreat fence with a bedazzled smile and disappeared in to the highway that connected the city.


Do you want to establish a spiritual community with you as guru?
Tips # 11
Divide people as insider and outsider. Tell how blessed are the insiders
and how unfortunate the outsider for remaining still in the outside.

Guru's Mission On Tele Vision

These days a guru's exalted status is known by the number of people he had influenced or initiated in his life. In sharp contrast to the good old yonder days, when the spiritual guru was always reluctant about teaching someone and made himself somewhat scarce to find. BG always pondered on the reasons why the gurus had their hide outs in such weird places in bygone days. This he thought was mainly to see if the seeker was keen about his seeking, because if the seeker meant business, then he would search the guru in every cave and every hole in every mountainous jungle possible and still will reach.


But now gurus cant hide anymore. They are all over the place. Only because they have decided to enlighten this world like never before. In fact the modern spiritual guru is as though pressed in to a unsolicited pressure, to perform in front of his disciples as a mark of his enlightenment. More the guru is seen and heard and talked about, greater his enlightenment is. This quotient perhaps is what drives the gurus to spread their missionary wings of 'love and compassion' and fly around the world breathlessly. The need to make one's presence felt somewhere, somehow, as far and wide possible, has stolen the beauty of truth usually sought and found.


BG is not against televised spiritual lessons, but he had kept himself away from it. He somehow missed that fire in his belly, to spread the 'good word' which can probably save sorrow and suffering of the millions. Besides, his apprehension was not to make a jarring note on the TV, amidst a series of heart warming programs, where the more prominent gurus sang, danced, healed, promised nice and divine things and kept the audience thoroughly enthralled and hopeful. BG felt that he could never do enough justice on the screen talking to unknown faces, especially when he lacked the skill of comforting them, by throwing promises and assurances besides the baskets of flowers and fruits at them. But that had never stopped the producers of such tele programs dropping in at BG's for a deal.


The executive from a leading religious channel reached behind his appointed time as the case always and he blamed it on the traffic jam as the case always. BG asked him to take his seat. He was in the executive attire with a tie and a tucked shirt with checked socks. He carried a big black helmet which somehow did not go well with his executive get up. Still he appeared well versed with the formalities and had a well managed body language in front of a 'spiritual guru'. BG always had secret admiration for young people who displayed remarkable qualities of communication with elan. He was a charming young man determined to push his product at any cost.


He opened the conversation "Guruji, my boss conveyed his greetings and wants to remind you about his open invitation to our studios, whenever suitable to you". The boss had already met BG once earlier on a common platform of a rotary club. BG enquired "So what brings you here?". He replied "I am here to talk about the possibilities of your talks beamed across the world through our channel", he paused and looked at BG carefully and noticing BG kept quiet, he proceeded, "i am aware you had declined our earlier offers with other executives, but this time I'm sure you will agree". BG said in a wry tone "Oh boy, go ahead and try me" anticipating some good debating session with the young executive.


He opened his bag and pulled out a pack of printed material and passed one of them to BG and started reading out from his copy of the same matter. He explained "Currently we are beaming our programs in five continents, including africa, autralia, europe and america besides asia. Our channel has a viewership of 70 million native and people of different origins and races and religions. Gurus like you who cater to people in english are in great demand around the world, especially in america and europe. By investing a small amount, you can reach to a larger number people within short period". BG allowed him to continue with his well prepared jargons of marketing.


The TV appearance on a daily basis has such a powerful impact that it serves by itself as bona fide of a guru and his teachings. The guru gains automatic credibility just because he is seen on TV at fixed times and watched by the assumed millions around the world. Infact BG always encountered a question from strangers if he appears in any of the TV channels, because they judge the might of a guru by the number of TV shows he does. He has seen their faces turn quizzical, whenever he replied "are there any more people still left for me to speak on TV ?, or "people already have enough techniques to practice and i dont want to add more" etc. BG sometimes projected himself as a humble and hopeless guru submitting, "I am too small to be lined up with the big gurus on TV".


Our executive friend suddenly grew a little suspicious over BG's silent appearance. He enquired. "Am I with you? Is there anything you want to say"? That was a very professional move from him, so BG replied, "yes, please tell me how does it help me in going on air and intrude the bedrooms of people singing and dancing"? He laughed gently and said "but you dont sing and dance, instead you talk well, honestly speaking, we are on the lookout for gurus who can speak well in english". BG now got curious and asked "why do you look for english speaking gurus"? He said, "we have a task at our hands, to capture the european and the american market (viewership) and make our channel a true global enterprise. We will be touching 150 million mark within next one year".


BG began to realize the 'mutually benefiting' deal in offing. He asked the executive "so this is purely a business thing for you guys, or you have some 'noble' intentions too"? He closed his note pad and with a mischievous smile said, "first business, then service to the world, actually we are proud to be instrumental in spreading the wisdom of various gurus to this world". BG asked now "so what do you expect from me"? he opened the note pad again and started, "a speaker like you deserves to be heard by everyone in every nook and corner of this world, who are inclined to spirituality, hence we offer 25 percent discount for any slot you may choose to broadcast your programs". He almost knew the various schemes planned to get BG on the board, as if he came prepared with the figures before hand.


BG wanted to get down to the brass tacks "do you charge for the broadcasting usually?" He replied "yes, everyone pays for their slots. Based on the number of slots booked in a week or a month or a year, we give them a decent package deal suitably". He continued "Infact we help the gurus in the area of shooting and editing videos with the help of our staff who are trained in this field". He stopped and then searched for a page in his note pad and then, "just for your information guruji, we have taken some sample flow charts of ten gurus who were launched in our channel in the past two years. you will surprised to see their growth in these two years".


BG asked "now what exactly I should do"? Such plain ignorant question is what a marketing guy always want to hear, he sat upright with a renewed cheer on his face. He also smiled quite broadly now and said, "you belong to the prime time slot in our channel, meant for english speaking viewers, which means our 25 percent discount will work to your benefit". He then opened another page in his note pad and read the various plans out. BG asked him quite nonchalantly, "what do you mean by a prime time, especially when the whole world is watching simultaneously"? He was quick to correct himself, "we would make sure your programs are repeated as many times to suit the local prime time in every continent, we may charge a little extra for that".


Now as the dialog was getting too gross, BG interrupted "but my dear friend, I dont see any problem in the way the world is, because I believe this is how the creation is meant to be and it needs no improvement or any up gradation". He drank up the rest of his tea in the cup and closed his note pad and appeared a little defeated in his body language already. He said "my boss told me you are a difficult person to convince, i can see it now". But he never lost his smile despite the apparent defeat. He proceeded to ask "are you not really interested in your programs on TV"? BG nodded his head in agreement. He queried "may I know if you will be always like this in future too"? BG said in a plain tone "I have no idea about future, so anything is possible then".


He put all the printed matters into his bag, squirmed in his seat, "do you suggest I should come back and see you later again, in case you changed your mind"? BG laughed somewhat loudly "yes sure, only if I informed you about it, till then count me out from your list". BG got up to indicate the appointment was over. The boy gathered his bag and a big black helmet and started to leave from the room. Then he stopped and lowered his eyes down and muttered in a hushed voice, "we will keep the prime time slot for you reserved".


It was perhaps a standard line he used every time he met a guru. BG said "who knows I may even buy all the rights of your channel some day and telecast my programs, not just prime time but at all times". He was taken by surprise at such a remark, but managed himself quickly saying, "oh that will be good, to have a channel run by a spiritual guru". BG replied in a mock assurance "don't worry, if i buy the channel rights, you will be my marketing man even at that time". He blushed, "thank you very much guruji", and tip toed himself carefully and left the room swiftly.


As a weird coincidence, BG came to know later that the same channel was eventually bought over by a guru, who is a house hold name presently in every 'nook and corner' of the world. But BG is not sure about the marketing guy's present status.

Guru Controls Habits

It was a request from the son, to meet his father and give sound advice on how he should live his life in a more healthier and responsible manner. He even began to tell BG what he should advice and how intense it should be. BG was in no mood to listen on the phone as son expected, he said, “please bring your father along with you and we will talk in person”.

It was not just his son, but it appeared the whole clan arrived along with the old man and his son. BG invited them all inside his room. As they entered and introduced the half a dozen of themselves, BG figured that they were all living under the same roof. The son, his wife, two male children. Then the old man and his wife and their daughter. But everyone’s concern was just one thing and that was about the grand old man of the family, at the age of 77, was still drinking and smoking like nobody’s business.

The rest of the members looked ferocious and equally righteous too. The old man had hung his head in shame and was not even defending his case. BG asked rather ignorantly, “so what should happen now?” Most members responded in chorus, “please tell him not to smoke and drink henceforth”. BG said “I never told him to start and how do you think I can tell him to stop?” But the son replied “he has respect for you and he attends all your discourses, so we are sure, he will listen to you, you can certainly control his habit”.

BG enquired, “does he disturb anyone when he is drunk?” They said “No”. BG wanted to make sure few more things concretely, “ Does he shout or get violent or abuse when he drinks or smokes?, or does he find it physically affecting and troublesome to his health in anyways?, or does he force anyone else in the family to follow his habits?, does he ask money for the drinking and smoking?” They were unison in reply “He is a perfect gentleman, only trouble he has is this drinking and chain smoking and we don’t face any trouble because of that, except that he should get out of his habits as a spiritual person”.

The rest of the members were sitting upright with confidence as they have almost found a way to tame the old man. BG turned to the person in question and asked him “sir please explain yourself, in front of your family members, what is your stand?” He was a very polite man and soft spoken, “I want to give up as they wish, but Im not able to, every day morning I resolve to give up, but by the evening I get drunk and as a result, I have to smoke the whole of evening and night”.

He looked very sorrowful and the wrinkles on his face were multiplied as he spoke. “ I want to die as a clean man, god will not forgive me if I die as a drunkard, please help me to stop this”. BG asked. “is your concern is only about what God thinks about you or wants from you ?, or do you have concern about your health, or the concern about losing money on such things?” He replied “the only thing that bother me and them also is that I should not die as a man of such gross habits. I should die without them. We have no other problem, by god’s grace”.

His grandchildren came and sat next to him as they probably never heard him talking in such a tone. BG did not fail to notice that despite the 77 years of age, the person was very sturdy and agile. He looked quite sober and normal for his age. BG wanted to know, “since when are you smoking and drinking?” He was thoughtful but soon came up with the exact data, “I started smoking, 57 years ago. But drinking came little later, at the age of 29 that is about 48 years ago”. He described the various stages, “at first I was not drinking every day, but only during holidays, then it slowly became an every day affair, so also was smoking, I started with a cigarette a day, but ever since I retired from active life, I smoke at least 40 cigarettes a day”. He somewhat sounded proud, as he raised his tone every time he had to tell the figures.

He in fact appeared like a conqueror, when he said that no de-addiction center could do anything to stop him forever from the habit. He resumed his habits after a brief spell of discontinuation always. The rest of the members were listening to his bravado in a somewhat awe struck manner. They probably never heard him reading out such an exhaustive data. The son suddenly spoke in between “seeing him drinking and smoking, I never got in to the habit, I always hated it”. He now appeared lot more righteous self than before. BG finds such occasions very embarrassing, to pass on a judgment which should make everyone happy within the family. He did not want to wash his hands off the situation either, as they all seemed to have faith in what he had to say.

BG asked in a friendlier tone to the family members “so what do you think I can do about this?” The lady (daughter of the old man) spoke “you can make him stop his habits and make god accept him fully when he dies, so that he can go to heaven”. The son added, “unless he stopped his habits, he may never be purified and as a result he may suffer after his death”. BG figured the ‘spiritual’ context of the whole issue finally.

BG looked quietly at the oldest of all in the room. He has been avoiding looking at BG directly ever since he entered into the room. BG resumed in a very mild tone as if addressing the whole group, “I think he should be left alone with his habits”. There was instant reactions from all of them in the form of shaking heads to moving hands to looking at each other etc. BG continued “at this point of time if we try to stop his habits, he will not be able to do so, and we will be putting him to a lot of discomfort, if you all worry about god’s acceptance, then I can assure you from my understanding, that God does not need anything from him or ask anything from him. He can go as he is, but if we force him to give up his habits then he may end up in great exasperation. Let him drink and smoke as he wishes and god has no problems with it”.

They looked at BG in utter disbelief. BG continued “since you asked me, let me tell that he should not try to stop those habits now as he has always been unsuccessful trying to stop, because the guilt of living with the habits is far more destructive than the habits themselves”. BG turned to the old man, “please keep in mind, it is not wrong to drink or smoke except that it may cause damage to your health, but then you have already lived your life and seemed to have crossed the deadline too. So enjoy as you drink and be happy about it. Please do not drink if you feel guilty and please do not drink if you have to hide and drink”.

This was the most unlikely thing to be heard from a guru’s mouth. They looked stunned and appeared like they had done a big blunder coming to such a place. BG did not stop but prolonged his explanation “god is not too keen to know if someone drank or not, these habit do not have far reaching consequences other than spoiling one’s health and probably draining all the money in to dumps”. BG was little louder this time, “all of us will add to his already existing problems by forcing him to stop something he has lived with for so long, please be considerate and let him live his life and let him face the consequences, and I can assure from my spiritual background that ‘god’ has not much interest in what he smoked and what he drank, but is probably interested in the amount of guilt and fear he carried with him when he had left, so let him drink and smoke peacefully, live peacefully, and die peacefully”.

The son appeared confused and a bit angry from within, “if you say like this, then who can control him? now he will take your words to his support and he will die of drinking only”. BG replied quietly “let it be, but let him die in contentment, doing what he wanted”. They sat quietly looking at BG with a somewhat hard-to-believe look. BG said there is nothing to rake up this as an issue. Let everyone focus on their own lives. Spare him(old man) and focus on what you do, now proceed to your home, this is what I have to say about your father”.

They got up from their sitting position, one after the other, obviously not happy with the ‘verdict’. The son was pleading as if its some courtroom drama, to reconsider BG’s thinking and advice his father, the right thing to do. BG just remained silent watching them leave one after the other as the door swung every time each member left. As BG looked at the old man, who suddenly appeared to be free and there was certain clarity his face exhibited when he looked at BG, eye to eye for the first time, as he swung open the door and closed it behind him and left.

Ghost Busting Guru

The most unbelievable job you can expect a guru to engage is ghost busting. But that's what many folks out there consider gurus should be doing. The word 'spirit' spells something spooky to such folks, and obviously that makes all the spiritual gurus, eerie ghost busters. These folks are otherwise modern and highly civilized, work in sleek ambiance, deal with all kinds of gizmo and gadgets, but live in fear of the 'unknown' day and night.

Every time someone dropped in at BG's for ghost busting, he ended up teasing them saying "the ghost has already hired me to bust you, since you seem to scare them with all your praying and singing". BG tells them to look at life from the ghost's point of view. How scary it must be for the ghosts, if they really existed, surviving amidst us.

BG was in a different country, different culture and everything so different. But it appeared, the hidden fears of 'unknown' is just the same in all of humanity, pretty much like the inherent consciousness. During a series of talks for several days about the 'spirit wrapped in matter', an elderly couple remained seated at the end of the day's session, as the participants were exchanging formal pleasantries among themselves and leaving the hall, back to where they actually belonged.

The couple waited as there were still movement of people, planning about next day’s proceedings. BG was in his finest elements, as he usually found himself, during and after each discourse and at various other inexplicably odd times. By this time BG looked at the couple directly and said please come soon, don’t get delayed going home. They appeared like people who are about to share their life time secret with some stranger, whom they may not trust fully.

BG enquired “how was the session, do you have anything to share or add or even question?“ The couple smiled quite diplomatically and the older man said “not at all, we just need to speak to you in private”. Speaking ‘privately’ involves sending the existing people out, which BG never liked, instead BG always moved out. Walking out of the room in to the open terrace, BG guided them along with himself. The seekers who wished to talk in private usually had nothing to discuss about the subject on consciousness, but generally about their own well being.

The lady stood mute and were standing by the wall that separated from the road, which had beeline of cars with people trying to reach home early. The city exhibited its wealth in so many ways. Towering structures showcasing their new found wealth everywhere. The lady appeared all that she could do was to smile and nothing else. But she always nodded her head in agreement with her husband. And then came the main topic of our discussion. The husband began “we are going through a great suffering caused by our own son, because I refuse to share our ancestor wealth with him”. She nodded decisively at what her husband said. Husband elaborated “he has been threatening to kill me, but we have found out later that he has been sending evil spirits with the help of someone, to our home to disturb us".

Sometimes BG wonder how he managed to listen up such stories rather intensely without a burst of laughter. BG queried, “you saw the ghost?” He replied “yes but in the spirit form.” He explained, “Whenever we are alone, we hear someone knocking at the bed room door. When we open the door to see, we don’t find anyone”. He now looked very serious and as if not so much impressed about that meaningless smile on BG’s face.” Despite civilization, man still carries an ancient mind. A mind that worshipped sun and thunder as gods, is still alive in its original shape.

BG was dealing with two primitive minds, standing amidst all the glitz and glamour, parading the city, all of night and day in full view from the terrace he stood. “So what have you done so far about it?” BG was eager to know. The man again responded, “we had approached a babaji(ascetic with 'divine' powers) from your country last time –some two years ago- who came home and performed some fire rituals and the ghost ran out of the house”. He paused and looked at his wife and she promptly responded with a nod, “But now that babaji has become very busy to come to our house, so we looked for someone to come home and perform the rituals for an affordable amount of money”.

They were not so pleased with BG for several reasons, primarily due to his indifferent response to their statements. BG enquired ”what kind of a ritual that was performed earlier?”. The man again started “the 'babaji' created a big fire in the middle of our house inside a wooden pit and threw lots of roots and spices. Eventually the place was full of smoke and unable to bear the power of positive vibrations, the ghost ran away”. BG understood that it was a vedic ritual of fire and smoke, performed usually in order to burn away the ignorance of mind and bring wisdom to it. The rituals are usually symbolic representations, which indicate the need for human mind to see life without any interpretation.

This BG appeared dead serious now “Have any one of you ever seen the ghost properly?, eating or sitting or listening to music or watching TV or at least sleeping ?" This question obviously amused them and they said almost in chorus "Not so, We have not seen in front of us anytime, they always run away from our sight after doing some mischief". The reflection of neon signs and the city lights created a terrified appearance on their faces and with their present mood, they even appeared as if they were seeing a real time ghost as they spoke to BG.

He added more information "the ghost in our house cannot be seen always, but while brushing my teeth I have seen a ugly faced black 'form' with curly hair just disappearing from my rear" She nodded in agreement. BG this time looked her and asked. "have you seen it too?" Before she could say he interrupted "yes she has also felt some thing black moving in the rooms." She simply nodded. BG warmed up himself by rubbing both hands and then asked "why they always run away or hide, are they afraid of you?, why do they come only in the dark hours? why they cant just knock the door more than once ? Why they cant shake your bed more than once? Why body less spirits always do bad things? Why cant they just behave themselves? Why they should always appear black and with curly hair?"

They both looked each other, the man looked at the time in his wrist watch. BG placed two options in front of them. "Either you accept that the ghosts are created by your childish mind, which is extremely biased, racist, deluded presently. So that we can chase the ghosts from your own minds forever, with no money spent and you need not create fire in your house to chase ghosts annually", BG slowed down a bit and then said, "or else, perform the rituals regularly and live with different ghosts for the rest of your life".

The old man had a shaky voice which was almost drowned in the noise of the traffic below. "do you mean the ghosts are our imagination?". BG said "exactly. You imagined well and passed it on to your wife too". BG sharpened his words, as he looked the lady and asked "be honest, have you really seen a ghost, the way your husband did or you simply agree with him out of politeness?" She shook her head and looked at him again, and as he resorted to talk, BG told him "will you please allow her to speak and do not interrupt her till she is finished?". He looked offended, "My wife and I live together past 45 years and we know each other well". BG persisted again at her asking "madam will you please tell honestly, if you have seen or heard anything like he said in your house"? Her eyes sparkled once while she said "not so. I have not seen or heard".

BG declared. "there is no chance of any ghosts or spirits outside you or anyone. It is just inside your head. If some screws inside are tightened then you may never see them again". He looked alarmed now. Somewhat in a irritated manner, "do you say the ghosts are inside my head and not outside?" BG was cheerfully loud "yes precisely, you said it so well". Now he looked so grim and his wife appeared scared, perhaps she was going to face him at home after her disagreement wth him. He spoke as if in pain "people like you coming to this country is rare, but we heard about you and your discourses on 'spirit'. So we came to seek help from you". He appeared to be giving one final chance to BG "I can offer up to 5000 singapore dollars, if you perform that ritual in my house, will you come?".

BG thought it such a simple way to drop in at some one's home and create smoke and make the inmates drop tears, while tell them that the dark ghosts have all gone for good, than actually drive any common sense. Once again the consciousness taking the back seat, with the cosmic spirit reduced to home grown ghost, BG told him "sorry, Im not a ghost buster" and added, "but if you allow me, I may remove the ability of your mind to see the ghosts". He placed his hand on her's, over the railing of the terrace and looked at BG as he started moving, "thank you for your suggestions, but can you tell us anyone you know, who can visit our home and perform that ritual?". BG replied, "Its good that I do not know anyone of that kind, but Im extremely sorry I could not help you".

They started moving away as their legs had already started giving way. BG watched them leave, saying thank you to everyone inside the hall and disappear from the sight. Outside, the traffic was still heavy and the sound of heavy drumbeats heard from a nearby pub. The well illuminated skyscrapers appeared, as if they were probing in to the skies about certain unknown matters. BG walked in to the room and got himself busy, back to his calls on the phone.

Do you like the idea of making big bucks in small ways?
Tips # 10
Project yourself as a ghost buster with divine powers.
Make sure you've learnt some ghost related mantras and
shout them loudly, as you smoke out somebody's house.

Dress And Then Address

The image built around a guru is many times more significant than a film star's or even a politician's. A successful guru should have chosen a successful title and a well designed clothes to go with it. He should appear directly opposite to what the common man usually is. If the commoner shaved, guru must grow beard. If the commoner married or divorced, the guru should not be doing both. Commoner feasted then the guru should fast. In short, disciple celebrates life, while guru can only celibate in life. Whoever said 'opposites attract' said so rightly.

A guru should know how to dress and then how to address too, as they go hand in glove. BG always respected the traditions and understood and followed them well. But he could not tolerate, when traditions were placed above the truth of existence. While dressed up to suit a guru's persona on stage addressing many, he wanted to be free from the guru's garb, everytime he peeled himself out of the limelight. While he is comfortable in both the formal and the informal clothes, he found it embarrassing to drag his 'holier' look, outside the halls of wisdom.

It happened during his maiden visits as a guru, to a far flunged destination, when BG was naive about the robes impact on a international flight and went to the airport with special robes (meant only for satsangs), as planned well by his immediate well wishers. He witnessed every visible rule was bent right from the word go, just to facilitate his movements, though he did not have to move even an inch of his index finger for that. His bags were brought, clothes were exclusively bought, stitched, pressed, packed and carried to the airport, weighed and booked into the conveyor belt, without BG's slightest participation. As if everybody appeared to bite off a good chunk of that divine potion, BG seemed to have in possession, as the whole entourage came to the airport and after many promises and assurances allowed BG to enter the airport.

As BG entered the airport with his robes flowing everywhere, his wood based sandals made a weird clut clut sound, there were people from every corner watching him, as if a tropical bear was trapped in a polar zoo. The 'spot light' was right on spot and stretching itself everywhere BG went. No stopping anywhere. It was astonishing to see the immigration officer smiling away and stamping on the BGs passport like a blind man. Instead of asking BG's name, the officer told his own name and about his problematic son, who was not so much fond of going to school, as he signed and stamped the pages. He vouched to visit BG in the 'ashram' soon with his son.

BG was like gagged and abducted, through out every step into the heavily guarded airport. Highly influential people who were highly influenced by BGs own people, were to his side, who could access every prohibited corner, walked him right into the aircraft, with a small hand bag handed over. BG sat in the club class while passengers watched him, as if the inflight entertainment has already begun. He sunk to his seat, gathered his robes and heaved a sigh of relief, hoping the ordeal was finally over. But then it was not.

He felt somewhat incapacitated, chained and nailed with the happenings till that point. But the worse was yet to come. His every move was being watched as air hostesses were fussing over their holy passenger. Their constant mothering and baby sitting of a strange man in special clothes, drew quite a bit of attention from the rest on board. Captain walked out of the cockpit and came straight to the 'jet set guru' and swiftly folded both his hands, as if greeting in a traditional manner. He said "we will be privileged if you step in to the control room once the flight is on auto pilot" and proceeded to meet the rest of the passengers in club class.

Aircraft took off, everybody settled and BG felt just grounded from that prolonged 'high' served up by the loved ones en masse. The hostesses were a chirpy young bunch and one of them smiled a lot and sweet, then as she served the glass of lemonade from her tray, whispered, "I have to talk to you". Soon after, promptly she stopped during one of her crisscrossing. "I want to know what future holds for me, do you read future or read my palm, or something like that" ? She was bashful and but could not give up the urge to know her future.

The sight of the young lady in dialog with the god man, brought rest of the chirpy hostesses a little more closer and everyone seemed keen to get audience, BG by this time had come to grips with the plight of that flight. BG said "I have no clue about my own future, so how can I say anything about yours?". The girls were unfazed and still kept smiling in responsible manner, as if they were dealing with a fussy passenger. BG said "I can probably point out how you can become free, independent and if I may add, liberated". None of those listed were appealing to the girls, as they looked blank but still smiling. BG felt a little anguished for few moments, about disappointing those fine young ladies. Truly speaking, even to BG the words like freedom and liberation suddenly sounded so foreign. He was probably the most bound man in the whole aircraft.

The pilot appeared suddenly in the scene and cockpit door was already opened, the control panels were seen blinking in the dull lighting from where BG was sitting. Captain took BG around and explained briefly about the various controls. BG enquired, "do you invite people always to see this?". The captain explained "every time there is a VIP we would try to invite as part of our airlines customs". BG was probing,"on what grounds usually you decide someone as a VIP"? Captain, well dressed man, smiled quickly, "We just look around for any unusual passenger, sometimes a big business magnate, sometimes famous politicians, diplomats, film stars, sports personalities and invariably any religious leader flying in the club class". BG was trying to get the hang of such VIP placement, looking outside the wind shield, at the rising sun on eastern horizon.

Back in the seat, he noticed the same smiling hostess smiling still. She came closer and whispered again, "someone wants to meet you, he is presently in the economy class". She appeared quite inspired about her inflight PR job to a high profile god man as she brought the person from the economy class. He was a cultured man and said in a apologetic tone, "guruji, not to take your time much, but just wanted to convey my thanks". BG now logically anticipated some miracle happened somewhere. He continued "Im traveling with my sick mother and she has a phobia for flying, I was wondering, how I will manage her for such a long flight. But when she saw you, she felt a lot comfortable and now she is sleeping peacefully". BG enquired, "have we met before?", he said,"this is first time I got this opportunity to meet and talk to you". He said further "When my mother saw you, she said even 'some' guruji is flying with us, so everything is going to be safe".

BG looked at his own robes spotless and shining, and a thought crossed his head, "none of these people knew me before, but they had decided about my 'sacred identity' already so well". He understood it was the special robes he was wrapped in, that brought all the attention, that worked all the magic. The sun was now visible far above the horizon and was looking very crisp and sharp. The aircraft was descending rapidly. That was last flight BG ever flew in his special robes and sandals.

Chronologically speaking, though this post comes later, the events of this post took place ahead of the events found in the previous post. Infact this post describes the circumstances well, under which BG was seen the way he was in the previous post.

Guru And Dress Code

The guru is a guru only with reference to a disciple who is seeking (spiritual) guidance. It would be plain mockery, if the guru behaved like one, even as he went to sleep or had a shower. In the absence of a disciple in vicinity, a guru is no more a guru. he could be just a pedestrian, trying to fit himself into scheme of things in life. But when he stretched the guru play, beyond the domain of a disciple, he is already doomed.

BG enjoys a great deal of non-guru times, as he drives a car alone, or a trek in the wild with just a back pack and lots of solitude, perhaps in an animated conversation, with a total stranger at airport lounge, while waiting for the often delayed flights. BG has seen varied reactions from strangers, when he had to describe his vocation or profession. BG has several ways to describe himself, but every time he came up with something like spiritual 'guru', he could see unwarranted reverence or an uneasy calmness displayed by strangers.

It also explained the heavy weight values attached to gurudom by people, which he always personally felt was/is out of place. While financial gurus, share market gurus. master chefs, academic professors, have fixed working hours, the spiritual master or a guru is expected to behave like a guru round the clock. It would be odd to hear to the reverential ear, that a spiritual guru is on a holiday and may not be available to meet or interact and is not blessing the humanity during that period.

It was yet another long distance flight, which the BG usually enjoyed, because he could just be a plain passenger and particularly like a human being, without any miracles attributed and could probably watch some flicks on screen as part of the inflight entertaintment. But such a peaceful environ can be shattered at times when some one recognized BG, despite his corduroy trouser and open collared shirt.

BG heard some one whispering "hello" with a familar accent, in the middle of the flight from behind the shoulder. Outside sun light was bright and roughly about 40 K feet above earth, it appeared as though life was all serene and quiet, too far away from all spiritual nonsense that dogged the earth. BG turned around with a surprise and returned the "hello". Somehow BG always felt there should be a better way to greet, than the more popular hello, because 'hell-o' always sounded to him like 'go to hell '.

The stranger who said hello apparently was no stranger, but has been participating certain sessions earlier on. He stood leaning on the chair with his hands placed firmly on the back row of seats, it was a not so crowded flight, and said "I want to ask you something". BG was quite open to communicate at that point of time, since the person appeared very elderly and also appeared somewhat disturbed, so BG offered the vacant seat next to him and said "please be seated".

He squeezed himself into the seat with a big gasp and looked at BG and his clothes carefully. BG was dressed in his most casual, as some cartoon flick was running on the screen. His hair was let loose and was wearing dark glasses, perhaps to facilitate the catnap during the flight. The gentle man appeared offended with the whole thing as he observed and then asked "I have seen you as a guru and revered you so much, but to day I see you so differently, and I'm not happy". He paused for awhile as there was no any immediate response from BG, "I have been watching you ever since you came to the airport to board the flight, don't mistake me but why are you doing this?"

This was unpleasant continuation of a earthly schism so far away from earth. But BG told him in reply " I never asked you to revere me or repulse me at any point of time, but what exactly is bothering you now?" He opened his right hand palm with all his fingers pointing, "these clothes do not represent a guru". BG promptly caught on with what he said "precisely, Im not any guru right now, as you see, Im just one more passenger on board." He shot back " so which one of you is real, this or the one I saw on stage ?" BG did not fail to admire, the man's gumption to challenge without beating around the bush but replied, "BOTH, those robes were real as a guru sharing his experience, and here these clothes are real as a fellow passenger on board"

He seemed to be not convinced at all as he said "But is this hippie look necessary for you, what kind of image are you projecting to common people, who look up to you as guru?" Even as BG tried not being impolite, words still spilled, "then it means they don't look up to me, but only at my clothes and hair". BG proceeded further, "do you mean to say your reverence was a result of what robes I wore and what hairstyle I had?". He sounded decisive as he said "yes, the guru has to maintain certain decorum, be it clothes or hairstyle". These are some of the things about gurus, BG was getting bored with, as he had been playing one himself. The guru is supposed to look just the same, with the smile hooked on to his face and robes flowing around his body all the time.

But soon came the disparage, "I even wonder if you have any respect for the religion you belong to". BG shot back quite sharply this time "I appreciate your direct comments, but I don't belong to any religion and I personally consider all religions worth just this trash", BG pointed out at the empty squeezed out tetra pack, on the tray in front of him and continued further, "I don't care if you don't consider me as much as a guru or a religious man, but if you think you are here to tell me, how I should dress and how I should brush my hair, then I may ask you to leave this seat I offered, within next twenty seconds, only because i don't need any advice on how my appearance should be maintained, besides you are disturbing my sleep".

Except for the occasional humming of the aircraft, there was not much noise and most passengers were asleep and few were watching movies or playing games on the screen. The elderly gentleman raised his hand forcefully, but banged it gently on the seat in front of him, as if to show his displeasure. BG told him "sir, for your information, ten seconds are already over". It was a direct insult to a man, who was 'prim and proper' in his beliefs and somewhat blue nosed in his perception.

He appeared to be keen to say something, but only managed to get up with a gasp again. He hurried to his seat, about five to six rows behind from BG's, as if there was an announcement from cockpit of an emergency landing. BG was never bothered to look behind for the rest of the flight and even as he deplaned at the destination.

Wish to launch yourself as a potentially famous guru ?
Tips # 9
Design your robes carefully. They should be long and flowing and even as you go to bed, make sure you are robed well. If you try out a turban and wooden sandals, you may attract lot more attention, especially at airports.

The Lucky Guru

Man is busy fighting the fears of experiencing pain and sorrow, more than finding happiness. He would pounce at just about anything, that will protect him from his seemingly inescapable blues. He may not have sex for the sake of it, but only to assure himself, that he is happy and still going strong. He in fact plans about the next round of sexual activities, even as the present one going.

Besides own up a big patch of earth, endless list of people to rescue, in times of trouble, loads of money to buy everything that can kick his sorrows away, fiercely fought beliefs, that can cover up his hidden fears, he may choose to get little spiritual too. Perhaps a god father with a wand in the hand, accessible to him round the clock, to hide behind or 'climb shoulders' for a piggy back ride, who can wield that shield for him, to make his life felt safer and well protected.

BG(Bored Guru)meets up with many on a daily basis, but few remain fresh in his memory. If BG was in to the 'deeksha giving' tradition, he would have named our hero of today's post as 'sunshine'. Because our friend brought so much of exuberance with him, wherever he went. He can tickle the funny bone, even in the worst situations, and turn everyone to ripples of laughter. A smooth talker, and a joker in the pack, more importantly a graduate in metallurgical engineering, he had earned the endearment of BG in many ways. Nevertheless, BG did not fail to see his hidden fears about life, every time he came to visit.

While his flirtations outside the marriage was/is never known to his wife and children, as they were busy with their own chores, he had nothing much to do in life, except try out his luck on everything that came under his nose. He sat on a huge property, inherited from his father, as the only son, has been blowing it away on booze and babes.

He visits BG on several occasions to rub shoulders, hoping to catch up with some 'divine luck' to favor his onward journey in life. One middle of afternoon, he called BG on the phone and announced, "I'm going to buy your flight ticket this time and don't tell me its not possible". BG's flight expenses are usually met from the sale money of his CDs and books.

BG got little bit curious about this sudden charitability of sunshine and said "its ok, the ticket has been already done". Sunshine replied, "In any case, I want to come to the airport, like last time to pick you up". The unsuspecting BG agreed to the idea. And then came the twist. He was almost clandestine when he said, "keep the boarding pass with you safe, it may be needed" He sounded like the ground staff at airport, who said similar things, as you were about to catch a connecting flight.

On occasions BG had enquired Mr.Sunshine, if he ever understood the teachings of BG. Pat came the reply always, "I don't care about what you teach, as long as you are there with me". BG had counter questioned several times, "then what draws you near me?". Sunshine usually replied, "I dont know, but I feel very safe, when I'm with you?". Sometimes, he would set his throat and say on top of his voice, "I dont expect any enlightenment or moksha and all that stuff from you, I just want your hand on my head, thats about it".

Sunshine can fit in any spiritual org with his manners, and lack of spiritual knowledge. BG always thought, sunshine would be a great asset, if he was in some 'happening' org, high in the ranks of an organizing committee, as there is a lot of shrewed talking to be done. Most people actively involved in organizing committees, of any guru worth the headlines, usually is untouched by any spiritual wisdom.

On the day of BG's flight to sunshine's hometown, there was a reminder call about boarding pass. BG felt intrigued, but thought this must be some trick sunshine was pulling. As BG stepped out of the airport, sunshine waved hands with a shrewed and eager smile, as couple of others were waiting too. After certain ritualistic greetings done, sunshine almost leaned over and in to BG's ears and whispered, "If I get the boarding pass(tear away remaining of the boarding pass), I can leave now and come and meet you later on."

He wanted to push off from the scene in a hurry, if boarding pass landed in his hand. But BG suddenly said in a stern voice "unless you explained, I cant handover". He did not expect that sudden revolt and almost shyed away saying "Guruji, I will meet you later when you are free" and left the lounge quickly. In the late night, he came to the place where BG stayed, sat down somewhat restlessly. When he started speaking, there was a faint odour of alcohol, "I want that boarding pass, if you dont mind'.

BG said "I will give you right away, if you tell me why you want it?" He set his throat in his usual style, "Don't get angry but I will buy the lotto (lottery) based on your boarding pass number". He did not fail to tickle even at that moment. BG was curious to know how it worked that way. Sunshine smiled and said, "it worked last time, I had seen your boarding pass number and bought the lottery, believe me, I won a big amount". He was like a child, of some ten years old.

BG told him, "I hand over the boarding pass number now, and if this time, the number did not work, you promise me now, you will never buy lottery again". If not vedanta, if not brahma sutras, If not upanishads, BG thought at least this much common sense can be taught to sunshine, without hurting his sentiments. He weakly protested saying "If I win the lottery, I want to give 50 percent of the total amount to you". It was a lucrative deal indeed. BG started laughing loud.

Next day he called BG and informed it did not work. In fact, he never made a promise previous night and BG never did ask about the 50 percent share from the previous booty. But sunshine even now, till this day, no more demanding the boarding pass, but goes about noting down all the numbers related to his guruji, such as the number plate of the car BG travels, BG's hand phone number, sometimes a combination of all of them, for his next draw of lotto. BG can do nothing but watch helplessly.

Do you believe you got that stuff to be a lucky guru ?
Tips # 8
Tell people, how guru's grace can bring luck in one's life,
without batting your eye lid.

Guru And The Green Signal

The secret desire of mankind always is to somehow conquer the inevitable death, poverty, sorrow, disease, etc and live an immortal happy life. This is one of the strong reason for many people to try out spiritual life. Its difficult to tell when and how this idea came about, that to be spiritual is to be super man like. Perhaps thats the reason why the gurus are treated like the superman. The difference is while superman had to fly himself, the guru will send an angel to get things done, from wherever he is sitting.

It was/is a beautiful family. He worked for a private company as the CEO and his wife was a banker. They had two children, besides a lot of money and a just purchased house. But the high point in their life came when they sold out their earlier car and replaced it with a brand new audi car. Since then my drive with them in their new audi was due. I agreed when he offered to drop me, in his new car to the airport, whenever I was leaving the city.

On the D'day, I managed to dress up to match their flamboyance and the new car. It was a sunday and even gods were supposedly resting. He was a proud man as he opened the door of the car and I was really happy for him. They were a 'made for each other' couple. Highly intelligent and updated with everything under sun. As I shoved myself in, I was immediately transported to a whole new world, regardless of the heat and dust of realities outside. .

I did not fail to notice the decor inside, which was exquisite and smelt heavy with the new air refreshener as if greeting my arrival. The upholstery was probably the finest i had seen for years, but they wrapped it with a special silk cloth for me to sit. That's just a usual practice, whenever a guru is transported. Mainly to save the guru from any contact with leather. As he drove the car with me by his side and his wife and the children at the rear, I could experience the supremacy of German technology all around me.

It is their strong belief that I had a secret, invisible hand in their elevation in life. I was quite aware of that and I awaited the right moment to tell them that I carry no remote control in my hand to manoeuvre their lives. Meanwhile, inside the moving car, it was pretty cool with music and things to eat and drink with children giggling and the husband and wife utterly cheerful just about everything. It is in such perfect backdrop, the drama began to unfold.

Nothing much serious as you may want to imagine, but we just were approaching a signal and the signal turned from red to green. The wife remarked "did you notice, this is the second signal we are crossing without stopping". Husband agreed immediately "yes" and said "cant you understand, its all guruji's grace. When he is inside the car, how can any signal stop us?"

The guru during such conversations, mostly has to behave like the witnessing consciousness. Mainly because he is never given a chance to comment or opiniate. I maintained my neutral stand and watched the road ahead and waited for the next signal. As I glanced through the rear view mirror, the children were brimming with admiration and looking at me, as if the superman had jumped out of Cartoon Network channel and then jumped in to their car.

Then I asked the husband "do you mean I control the traffic signals in the city?." He replied with a big laughter, "you don't know your own powers". Imagine this, A guru supposedly all knowing, who controls even the city traffic signals, but does not know he had such powers. I have been knowing them for quite awhile and shared certain intimacy with the children through all my pranks. I could see the whole family in such a joyous abandonment without a worry in the world, in the presence of their guru, where even the traffic signals behaved themselves.

I then asked "the love your family showers on me is because I control traffic signals?" He did not quite expect the quip. His wife from rear replied, "yes, indeed, who will not be happy to have a guruji, who is making the path safer and happier?". I turned around and looked at her beaming face, "is that what a guru supposed to do?" She was quick to respond, "yes guruji, we know well you have been clearing all obstacles in our lives."

The drive to the airport was meant to be lasting about 45 minutes. We had already crossed four signals and all of them were free. I enquired, "are there any more signals ahead?". He promptly replied, "Yes, there is one more and then turned around and announced to the children and wife, you will see even that signal will be free". Now every body got ready and there was excitement filling up inside the mean german running machine.

He spotted the green signal well ahead and almost screamed " See I told you", and then turned to me and said "at least now will you believe this?". But even as the signal fever was burning bright and hot, the signal was changing to amber and was blinking. He suddenly appeared worked up and started accelerating the car real fast before it could turn red. It was a blind effort to prove his point rather than saving my face. The audi went crazy as it neared the signal and then, the signal turned red. Audi came to grinding halt as he had to jam the brakes. Suddenly there was a deafening silence invaded the car from nowhere, as the engine got ceased due to the sudden braking.

It appeared like eternity as the car awaited the green signal and I had to break the silence inside the car. I asked "so now all of you plan to throw me out of this car?." I said further,"the guru is not meant to clear your path but only show it and also prepare you to face the dangers lurking on the way". I continued further "the guru is not here to replace your sorrows with happiness and the perils with some protection". I thought it was such perfect timing to drive some sense in to them. I continued further, "I cant facilitate your life without obstacles but can only tell you how to face the obstacles and move ahead." The car moved as the signal turned green. That was the last signal before reaching the airport.

I thought it was all over, quite content about how things took shape, but not really. As we reached the airport without any exchange of words, I got off the car and they picked up my bag from boot space, came to face me at the entrance of the airport. I smiled and said "I am already delayed and should hurry up, because I dont control the air traffic signals on the airport runway". He quietly replied, "guruji, you taught us a great lesson today". I asked "what was the lesson?" as I prepared to enter the airport. He said,"you taught us that you may not grant us, whatever we may want, by turning the signal to red, even when we wanted it to be green".

He simply blew my mind, I felt as if someone shoved a big ball of dirty cotton, deep into my throat and amidst all the crowds that were milling, I walked in to the airport like a zombie, dumb founded, utterly speechless, carrying the heavy load of divinity, just then dumped all over me.

Do you plan leave your trail on the guruscape?
Tips # 7
Always smile meaningfully, Use often expressions like "I know, mychild" if any miracles attributed to you, just shrug your shoulders and chuckle.

Talking Guru Need Not Be A Writing Guru

While my penchant for blogging seem to be quite active, I realize the quality of my writing leaves a lot to be desired. Usually I type out this blog posts myself unlike rest of all official typing done by my associates, who are highly skilled and knew them keys like their own fingers. I start typing somewhere past middle of the night, presumably after most of day's work done. Needless to say, its a time when sleep, fatigue, and importantly 'boredom' all haunt me at the same time. However, everytime I look at my own writing, in the next day upon waking up, it appears a lot informal, unscrupulous and sometimes even very brash, with regards to various descriptions, than they actually were. Especially the last post, which certainly needs a little more refined touch. Its just the lack of my knowledge, on how to use a language, which is not my native tongue. Iam aware, what i want to convey is a little different from what I actually type. I have decided not to use a ghost writer in anycase and I hope to improve as the days go by...

Gate Crashing Guru

The two boys who had been wanting to meet me were already there and one of them was a unfamilar chap, who had tagged along with this guy, who was somewhat known to me in the recent past. They sat with their legs crossed and quite uncomfortably, as it is the tradition in this part of the world, infront of a guru. It also indicates the hidden belief that in order to be spiritual, or get good karma, or a brighter tomorrow, you should undergo certain hardship now.

They sometimes pierced thier bodies, shaved their heads and their children's too, for the same purpose. The sitting down with the crossed legs is just the beginning of such a tribulation. The belief in self torturing in the name of spirituality is so deep rooted, that even if guru says take it easy, sit on the chair, they would either feel insulted or discouraged or atleast guilty for sitting on the chair in comfort. But it is also remarkable to see how the same seeker behaves differently when he sits down with crossed legs and in the comfort of a chair alongside the guru.

The new boy was looking at me, like how you saw a huge airplane landed on the tarmac, for the first time in your life. He began with "thank you guruji, for the blessings". I said "we have not even met properly yet and you seem to thank me for blessings already?" The familiar guy told me, "guruji you came in his dream last week and blessed him, so he wanted to come and thank you".

From their brief introduction at the start, I knew both were software professionals, who have just began their career. Software jobs involve a lot of number crunching and endless logical thinking has been my understanding. Correct me if I am wrong. But these young boys seemed to have lost on logic quite a bit.

I enquired "Please tell me more about this dream visit of mine", in a somewhat mocking tone. Everytime when someone came up with something illogical, or out of the ordinary, my strategy was/is to just mock at it, instead of trying to explain 'lovingly' or 'compassionately'. Neither loving nor compassionate words work during such occasions. Because the loving approach will only get them to dream a little better and more intense than before. Also the compassion need not show itself in the tone as you spoke or in the way you walked. My stand is that you can even slap someone 'compassionately', but without displaying any visible compassion or love. Same time, I can assure you, I packed a lot of 'love and compassion' secretly in me, even as I began the comical tirade.

He said "that night I was listening to your CD and went to sleep, that's when you came in my dream to bless me, later I came to know that at the same time, around 11 pm in the night, you were traveling by car, such miracles are shown by gurus only to bless disciples". I continued as if to show him that whatever he claimed just then, did not make any sense to me, "I thought Iam making Cds for awakening purpose and you have proved me wrong by going to sleep as you listened to them?". Though he failed to catch the joke, he still smiled.

Spiritual gurus can smile and chuckle at the most, but are not supposed to get naughty or haughty. These are some of the unwritten codes of conduct for the gurus to follow, embedded in the world of disciples. Whenever my comical side spilt over, I could see unrest and anger in the eyes of people in front of me.

I told him "It was just a dream, why do you think I planned and then dropped in?". He did not have an answer immediately, but was simply thoughtful. He then set his throat and exclaimed, "my mother always told me that spiritual gurus come in the dreams to bless". As if gurus learn how to gate crash in to other's dreams, as part of their enlightenment process.

I decided to sort this out once for all with these young boys, "do you often get dreams ?" He said "yes !". "Do you get ghosts in your dreams? " He replied "yes, there are bad dreams at times." I made little more advance "do you take those ghosts to be real?" He looked blank and said "Not at all". I was as if waiting for him to say that, "if you cant take that as real, then you should not take my visit in your dream also real, or the other choice is take all your dreams as real including the ghosts you saw. How come you choose certain dreams as real and the rest as unreal conveniently? ".

The visit of the gurus in the dreams are as similar and commonplace as any holly wood hunk appearing in the dream, enthralling or terrorizing, because of the movie one saw the previous night. No great shakes. But to paint the guru's arrival, in the dream as something divine can be fun or even funny. I plainly hoped, that would be the last evening in their lives, where they glorified a dream event as something divine.

Suddenly the dreamy boy appeared little vocal "do you mean gurus coming in the dream is unreal?". Now I could sense the forthcoming possibilities. Either they understand that all dreams are false. Or they conclude simply, that I am a false guru myself. It did not matter to me either ways. I mean, I need not celebrate and get a certificate, or an award, if they got enlightened at the end of the meeting or get wild if they called me bogus. But I was going to tell them exactly what I wanted to, that whatever they see/saw in their dreams, including gurus, are/were utterly false. So I replied him "dreams are real, only as long as you are dreaming". I added, "if you continued to believe your dream experiences as real, even as you are awake, then you should know, that you are still asleep".

I somewhat knew that I had stirred up his belief a bit, particularly on the 'gatecrashing guru' part of his dreams. He would not have understood fully or appreciated even remotely, about what I had to say on that day, but I thought to myself, what I told him will not allow him to sleep or dream, for a few or many more days to come.

Do you still aspire to enter the coveted gurudom?
Tips # 6
Drop a word casually about how some ancient gurus are coming in your dreams and blessing you to do the same with others as a divine mission.

Feels Like The Piano Man

After the last posting done amidst endless interruptions -every time I resumed typing, the flow of writing had already taken another twist- I took some time out to read the post myself to see if I had missed out or exaggerated anything. As I began to read the post, you may want to ridicule this, after all a guru shouldn't be doing this, I remembered a song (after many many years) which I used to listen a lot in my school days, Piano Man (Billy Joel).

Those days I never bothered to know much about the singer or even understood the philosophical innuendoes of the song. But thanks to YouTube, I sat back and watched the video and laughed my heart out in the dead of night. Laughed not because of Billy, but the way the mind could pull out some stuff from nowhere and connect my present scenario with a long gone soft pop number. The comparison may end there. I may not be too keen about the personal life of Billy Joel. And just to keep you informed that this bored guru loved every bit of the video and could not help but empathize with the piano man. An amazing song with some amazing lyrics indeed !

If you thought I said or did something blasphemous to compare gurudom to the piano man, then take a look at your own obsessive and delusory mind that has pushed the gurudom to behave the way it does now. After all, even billy can do what you expect from your guru. You may not realize, but your guru does just what billy does with his piano(mostly with a supporting tag of divinity)and keeps you all 'happy' and 'blissful' and probably, as billy puts it, help you 'forget' your problems forawhile -with the hope of another drunken weekend. Because you want just that and nothing more. Meanwhile, have time, then watch the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCyKcwvV5gE

The Glow Worm Guru

It was a decent number of people and i could almost see the faces of all the participants during that particular discourse. It is always quite a thing to see some eyes sparkle with sudden clarity, some very intense and trying to understand everything, some pretend to be serious but is busy trying to read the text message on the hidden phone inside the trouser pocket, some appear cynical, some droopy eyes, a yawn here and smile there. The topic was a heavy duty stuff that day as usual, on the intricate knowledge of how the individual consciousness is already one with the collective consciousness etc. (yawn, yawn).

I am also aware some come to the venue to understand the nuances of the subject, some just escaped the wife in her worst weekend mood, some came to loosen up a bit after the stressful week, some secretly planned to gain some good karma, like gaining points on your frequent flyer card. Some land up without a clue why they did such a thing and for some it is an obligation or a commitment or even a promise or a vow or the annual resolution to come regularly regardless of any learning or unlearning.

This lady with a very dazed face in the second or third row rang a bell inside me, within few minutes of the discourse started. She made no move, but sat still and looked somewhat lost. She never seem to be bothered about what I was talking and every time there was a laughter she would appear totally unconnected to it. She never lowered her gaze but totally transfixed at the stage and on my face.

I had my own ways to dispel or disturb such gazers during discourses and I employed a few of them and found them all utterly useless. She was adamantly fixed her sight and I knew she never heard a single word of what I spoke. Eventually the discourse ended and I announced, if there are any queries in connection to what was spoken, i would be glad to clarify.

After a few regular 'intelligent' questions, the lady in focus appeared eager to say something. So I pointed at her and said "do you have anything to say or need clarification?" She was very graceful in her movement while she rose from the seat and then in a mild tone asked me "I have been seeing the intense glow you are emitting all around you. Can you explain that ?"

Most of the 'aura seeing' people are never interested to know about what they see, but only interested to know about their own ability to see such glowing stuff. I thought this lady probably was different. So i said, "I never emitted any glow around me at any point of time". She replied with perhaps a little increased tone "But I have been seeing it, why, even now I'm seeing it actually".

At this point, I knew I am in for one more disaster. Meanwhile, I did not fail to see how a few others too were trying to sharpen their eyes and 'look' at my direction intently through the tiny crack of their eyes. The hour long talk on collective consciousness has already been tossed up in to oblivion and now I suddenly felt like some glow worm.

I said "you probably have certain flaw in your eye sight and you should consult a good eye specialist". I did not allow her to say anything from her side but I continued "It could be cataract or myopia and when you see distant objects it may appear to glow, especially if the eyes are watering". My knowledge in ophthalmology is as good or as bad as my knowledge in Chinese kanji characters. But I just tried to dissuade her by using all those few technical terminologies in medical science. That's why I also mentioned to her that she must consult a eye specialist.

Her graceful face now suddenly had a certain scornful smile. She said "do you mean my eye sight is not OK?". I said "without any doubt". She turned around both ways as if she need some support to prove her point. I realized all that she needed was a single nod from me saying "yes, what you are seeing is true". This would have made her a clairvoyant and made me a glowing guru and made the rest of everyone in the congregation a plain dumb ass. She was some how pushing this idea 'gracefully' and I seem to have missed her point. I must have spoilt those moments of a divine conspiracy. Now her personal prestige was at stake.

I decided to save her face and announced that the session was over. I pointed out to her and said "please wait, we may have to meet". Most people left without a proeper clarity on the glowing stuff about me. They appeared not much bothered too as they left. I neither refuted the 'glow' properly, which would have left her felt humiliated in public nor agreed to her fully which would have brought more people in the next discourse to see the 'glowing guru'.

With very few people left behind and still hanging around, I told her "do you realize, that your 'seeing' the glow seem to be more important than me 'emitting' it?" I continued further " you have picked up this idea of the glow from some story or a picture and now trying to corroborate it with your watering eyes". She was now much closer to me and i could see her tired eyes as well. She had a much weaker tone now, " I don't know, but i was told that spiritual gurus emit strong glowing aura".

It must have appeared to others, if I was hurting a hapless woman to the severity of my spiritual propensities. But that some how did not deter me and I told her in a stern voice "please consult the doctor at the earliest, than to justify the faulty sight by calling it clairvoyance or aura reading". She looked at me rather sheepishly and asked, "so there is nothing called aura reading?" I told her "anything seen only by one person, excepting the rest of people in the same place can be as false as seeing a ghost, i cant agree to this idea of only some people seeing something called aura. You saw the glow on me probably because i was sitting under the bright lights and you were not"

She did not have enough courage to come back again to face me or people there during the next discourse. For her, it was not a learning event, but only a hurting experience. Being put down in front of people from the pedestal of a clairvoyant to just a silly old lady with some faulty eye sight. As I recall that event now, I feel somewhat regretful, that I failed to clarify comprehensively to the rest of the people in the premises, that I was not a glowing guru as the lady was trying to describe. But at the same time I don't forget the relief I saw on her face, when I stopped embarrassing her in front of everyone. And as I thought, I never had seen her again in any gatherings anymore.

Do you get that uncontrollable urge to be a big time guru ?

Tips # 5

- Smile 'compassionately' and also brush aside 'gently' any aura stories weaved around you. You can also make references to your aura as to how only evolved people can see your aura and the rest may see it soon as they all are evolving.

Healer Dealer

The life of a guru can be quite amusing right where he is. The guru can hardly be independent of the world. If he does not go to star bucks for a coffee, then it would reach him without much fuss, just for asking. But do not mistake me for someone who refuse to go to a coffee shop. I would want to narrate many of my coffee shop adventures later on. Nevertheless, without stepping out, a piece of the world is always demonstrated in front of the guru all the time invariably. It can be amusing because, despite the truth is singular, its multiplicity of expressions can be endless.

It was quite a difficult sight to see him breathing heavy and the sweat that ran down his forehead, as he appeared very excited. He was brought by someone already known. Odd enough he reminded me, a lot of my long forgotten uncle, who had passed away few years ago. I gave him the hand towel next to me to help himself. He refused and said "your energy will heal me and I will be alright soon".

Its a myth when someone believed that energy can be passed on at will. Its as if each one carries certain fixed quantity of energy in cylinders. If someone felt energetic in front of someone, its not the energy of that person passed on, but one's own hidden energy just got triggered.

He continued further, "I have come here to beg you for healing. I came to know yesterday that I have a malignant tumor and it is cancerous." He was a shattered man. I enquired "did you go to the doctor?" It probably sounded strange to him that I mentioned about doctor, he said " I don't mind spending any amount of money, but I don't believe the treatment at some hospital, because for a religious and god fearing person like me, it should not have happened, but I strongly believe in god and with your healing touch, I will be out of this testing times"

If all it takes is a touch to heal (even cancer), then I can probably 'shift my career' to full time healing profession, than talk about self realization (which apparently no one is interested). But I told him, "any form of healing can only be supplementary to the proper treatment at hospital" and he should not depend just on some healing. "Besides, I don't think I have any healing powers as you describe". He shook his head somewhat violently and denied saying "Guruji, I have full faith in you, I know you can heal me".

Its always a surprise to see how people make a guruji out of someone even before any learning happened from him. I remarked rather impolitely, "you call me as guruji, but you don't want to listen or follow what I say about myself. If you think I should listen to you and follow what you say, then you are the guruji and I am the disciple". He looked suddenly lost, because the topic had gone astray from healing his cancer to some useless talk about who is the guruji. It appeared very embarrassing to everyone about the way I expressed myself strongly. So I toned down a bit and said, "I may tell you how to go through this difficult phase in your life, to undergo the operation without fear, to keep your self steady and balanced, but not certainly heal you now as you expect and send you back home intact minus cancer".

He suddenly sounded quite plain, like someone who just got sober from the previous night's hang over, "this person who brought me here told me you have healing powers, that's why I came here". I enquired "how does he know such a thing?" He quipped "his head ache got completely cured by you, when he was listening to your discourse few days ago". I laughed mildly (to assure him that I'm not angry) and said, "but I don't remember curing any body's head aches lately."

No one can heal anyone, but someone can get healed by himself in an environment suitable to the healing. Call it the placebo effect. But to attribute it to a guru is nonsensical. The elderly gentleman grew impatient now and appeared as if he wasted a lot of his 'dieing' or 'living' hours. He shrugged his head in disbelief and said "can you at least pray for me?" . Though I had my reservations about the prayer thing, I did not want to frustrate him further. I said "by all means".

He left the place almost dragging himself out. He was not bothered to know how he should learn to face it, as I suggested to him earlier. Nor he was bothered to leave his name and other details for the prayers. How can you pray for an anonymous after all? It did not upset me. Though it appeared to couple of others, who were present in the room that I was rude, I knew that I had managed to leave a dent on his strong unwarranted beliefs about healing.

Do you think its lucrative to be a guru and want to give it a try?
Tips # 4
Don't deny any healing powers attributed to you, accept it gracefully. Tell that it requires total surrender for total healing, so that even if the healing did not happen, you can blame it on the same person that his surrender is not complete.

Divine Romance

The middle age is always a crazy time for everyone. It appears a little more so for someone who has decided to take to 'spirituality' besides the 'regular' life style. She was probably in her 40's who perhaps drove her own car and had a fancy mobile instrument along with the car keys. The greying hair and a fast disappearing youthfulness has thrown her off the gear already. Soon after she entered, she gazed at me lovingly. Such loving gazes always cannot be taken easily from strangers, especially the ones thrown at a guru. She was trying to fix her eyes with mine every time I looked at her and I was avoiding her passionate gaze, somewhat like a just married Indian bride.

I probed her with the usual " Is there anything you want to say or clarify(regarding the session she attended earlier on). She blushed a bit and said "you know everything, why ask me?". Now I began to wonder, if she was just a plain gullible individual or the lusty woman with certain passionate designs on her mind, beneath the garb of a gopi(Lord Krishna's typical galfriend about many thousand years ago)in search of her 'divine love'. Either way, I knew she has to go pretty soon. But the guru is always supposed to display compassion, despite the lust and passion of the 'innocent' disciple. The earlier incidents of turning away bluntly, women of similar kind played on my mind. Especially the nasty ruckus they threw later on, branding me as insensitive,egoistic and arrogant.

I decided to change the topic and asked her about her children/husband and family. She was quick to dismiss any further on the same topic, " once i have found you, I don't anymore believe in any family". I replied saying " but I have never mentioned anything of that sort in my discourses". Her next move was even smarter "you may not say openly, because you are humble, but I know what I have found after my many years of searching " and then she did that impossible thing, she bent down a bit as if bowing, then slipped her long thin piece of a flimsy cloth which is meant to wrap her clothes around torso. The cleavage visible, she was showing her head to me saying, "please bless me, your grace is all what I seek" , but she looked up after awhile, since there was no hand landing on head, gave me that surprised look and said "why cant you bless me? "

I knew the tricky situation I was trapped in to. I also knew, one wrong move either this or that way can spell doom. If I agreed to her and did just what she wanted then I have added one more prospectful disciple in the band. If not, I have probably missed yet another opportunity in finding that path to fame and glory or even have to face the wrath of a seeker who came to see me out of 'love'. Neither I should scream and call for help nor should I do what she wanted me to, but strike a balance. The world of the gurus probably is the most vulnerable and pretty dangerous too. I told her in a plain voice "but grace is not something I store in some secret place, besides you cannot demand it unless I wish to give it" . But that was a bad move from my side, because she squirmed and advanced further and grabbed my calf muscles by both her hands, "please don't reject me, I will die if you reject me" and started sobbing already.

A woman coming out of a male guru's room, either giggling or sobbing, both are not good signs. The giggling one has now found her divine lover, which she can twist as fatherly love, a friendly fling or the Divine Romance(thanks to that *great* guru's book with the same title) to people and to her own self. Same time, the crying one is a immediate threat to the guru's credibility and years of penance or austerity. She can blow it up all in one single silly moment.

I told our lady in distress, rather lied, "today is not a auspicious day for blessings" and she should be coming on a day when it is the most auspicious. I also told her that she will be informed, when to come and she need not bothered to come herself. I knew pretty well, she will go out and declare that I am eager to see her again and also have promised her special darshan soon. But goddamn it, do you think you can get out of her blind 'pursuit' in any other way ? Let me know please?

Of course, I never sent a word for her and never attended her numerous and non stop calls in the middle of the nights in the following week. I don't know if her pursuit is over now, but I'm still scrambling for a strategy, to get over with the likes of this romantic 'seeker'.

Do you plan to make it big on the male guru scene ?

Tip # 3

Every time a female seeker expressed her stupid love or passion for you, you will say YES. Tell her also that in the past life she could not express her love to you and now you have taken that special birth to fulfill that (without batting the eye lid).

The 'Timid' Husband

He was relatively a handsome guy of some 35 years old. Well dressed with good diction and accent that described his upbringing. He announced to me that his wife called him 'timid' and asked me if I found him similarly. Now this is a tricky situation, because the guru is never supposed to put the disciple down. The guru must say nice and sweet words always, because guru can never see anything negative, but always only positive and divine things. He must utter only sweet nothings even if it amounts to a blatant lie.

His was a simple wish to prove his wife's judgement as wrong one. He wanted certain authority to back him up now. Obviously he would go home and quote me and create a unpleasant divide between her and me. The plight of a guru caught between the warring spouses is always critical. Damned either ways.

However I replied to him "perhaps if you are little more friendly with her parents and brothers, she may stop calling you that way". He looked at me with probing eyes and asked "how did you know I don't speak to them at all ?" I said, "not a miracle but it is obvious, a wife would never call a husband timid for not talking to neighbor's wife or to the cop at the traffic signal, but always to her own people".

A spiritual guru works most of the times like a psychiatrist, at least he is forced to be one. He should be strong in the dealing of the psyche more than dealings with consciousness. Many times such psychological detections will earn the 'all knowing insightful divine guru' title to the guru more easily.

Now our disciple-friend looked tired and asked if he should start talking to everyone, I said "your choice". He suddenly asked "can you do something and stop my wife from rejecting me ?". He had tears in eyes now. I said "I cant do anything about anyone I have not met, but certainly I can tell you how you can handle yourself in this challenging time"

This is not what he exactly expected. He wanted a concrete solution where he would remain the same weirdo while everyone else changed to suit his weirdness. I asked " do you want me to perform any miracle or magic to change her mind about you ?" He suddenly came alive like a thousand watts bulb after a prolonged blackout, "yes guruji, can you do that?" and I promptly replied " No. its not possible by anyone" .

He sat quietly for awhile and looked at me with a sorrowful but hurt face. " Are you sure you cant help me with some mantras to change her mind ?". I said "positively not" . He got up and did the 'bowing down' as if he may give a punch at the end of it, left the room, never to come back again. Probably when he gets a chance later, he may spread a word in the rumour mills about a false guru (atleast a powerless guru) in town, who cant perform simple miracles but claims to be a guru. As it always happens, he must have found a suitable guru soon after that day, who bargained with him miracles, for a total surrender in turn.

Halleluja !!!!

Do you nurture secret desires to be a famous guru?
Tip # 2
sharpen your skills in the area of human psychology
and brand it as 'divine power' every time you get a chance

The All Knowing Disciple

He was a middle aged man, quite a sincere seeker, still unmarried and told me that he plans to remain just that way. When he bowed down voluntarily, he crossed his hands and caught my right foot with his left hand and left foot with his right hand. Just from the way people prostrate or bow down, I could see his background and the years of spiritual seasoning. He appeared quite impressed and proud with his own manners.

I knew now what is in store. This man is here to assure himself of what he already knew, however faulty it is. He started "Is it not scriptures say that one must do tapas(austerities) to achieve the God's state ? " His question is such that he offered no choice to me and almost cornered me with his concrete belief. I said " there is no such state called God's state. God is not of any state unlike you and me. Also there is no achievement on the spiritual path ". He appeared quite discontent and even a faint trace of anger and frowning run though his bespectacled face. Mainly he was stunned at the fact that what he thought was a great revelation was refused by some 'authority'(that's me). He obviously was not ready to accept the correction but became antagonistic and rigid and was seen eager to leave.

It was his fear of loosing his many years of carefully built belief that austerity is the ultimate way to reach the place where God lived. I must have looked ominously dangerous when i said that God does not live somewhere to reach but right here and now, the austerity can only complicate things. To accept the rubbish dished out by the disciple and glorify him for carrying such a sickening idea makes the guru so good.

Do you nurture secret desires to be a famous guru ?
Tip # 1
Allow the disciple to prattle whatever he/she wants.
Listen to it with a smile and admiration on the face.

Whats What Now ?

Writing is quite an art. I always wonder how people write and for pages. Now this typing thing is still more difficult in the world of the gurus. Because unlike the diary which you scribble in the dead of night, and hide inside the pillow, this typing needs that intelligent thing called computer and a plastic key board and of course the good knowledge of the keys and their location too. Which means you need to turn the light on to the key board for that endless search of keys.

Damn, no body knows what i type but am sure they will search and find. They are seekers after all. Many times i wonder if similar seeking happened to find their true self, they would have found something far more meaningful than what that incredible search engine Google can offer. But then, hey, who can deny Google's efficiency.

So friends! I'm bored. I cant say I'm tired, but there is something obviously missing. Its probably the effect of seeing the people constantly, who want to dump their ideas into my head lovingly, shove their words into my mouth reverentially and make a divine avatar out of me. That means i am going to push these keys every time i found myself in the right space and time. I plan to recollect the seriously whimsical encounters with many seekers (who turned suckers)in the past years. If you get equally bored reading this stuff, blame it on me, instead of awakening, i have put you to sleep. I am sure to get the hang of the computer and the key board soon and may begin to type little more faster than what it is now hopefully.